I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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