I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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