I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
