i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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