Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
