Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
