a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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