when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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