he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
