I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
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