the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize