I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
