i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
