So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
