i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
