He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
