I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
