when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
