u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
