sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
