We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
