Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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