I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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