It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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