Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
