Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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