There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
