Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
