just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
