if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
