Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
