The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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