I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
