My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
