The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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