If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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