haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
