btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
