Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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