i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
