You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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