The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
