she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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