Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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