i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
