if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
