Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
