My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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