What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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