You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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