eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
