I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
