Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
