Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
