how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Randomize
